“Things my 74-year-old Father Says That Do Not Mean What He Thinks They Mean, With Helpful Notations For Those Who May Be Similarly Confused”

Published in Crab Fat Magazine, Issue #4, page 104.

1. Cir·cle Jerk \ ’sǝrkǝl, ‘jǝrk \ n: Not a traffic circle, like the one recently built at Routes 5
   and 20 in Irving, NY, right next to the Seneca Hawk smoke shop, gas station, and casual
   eatery (home of all-you-can-eat spaghetti).
2. Hand Job \ ‘hand, ’jäb \ n: Not a hand-operated tool or piece of machinery, i.e. “Eric, I’m
   already using the nail gun so it’ll have to be a hand job for you” is incorrect, misleading,
   and gross.
3. Dou·ble-team \ ‘dǝbǝl-tēm \ vb: Not when both dogs beg for one’s sandwich.
4. Blow Your Wad \ ‘blō, ‘yōr, ‘wäd \ vb, adj, n: Not when one spends all of his/her money
   on one item, and no, “blow your load” isn’t any better.
5. This Guy’s Jerk·ing Me Off \ ‘ this, ‘gīz, ‘jǝrk-iŋ, ‘mē, ‘ȯf \ pron, n+vb, vb, pron, adv: Not
   when the man selling his lawn mower in the Classifieds won’t accept one’s offer of half the
   asking price, (and no, telling him “because I already have six lawn mowers” doesn’t make
   him more inclined to accept the offer; if anything, it just makes him realize you are a
   hoarder and that you will, in fact, pay the asking price).
6. Get·ting F’d To Death \ ‘getiŋ, ‘eft, ‘tü, ‘deth \ vb, adj, prep, n: Not when one’s youngest
   children are swearing too profusely at the dinner table for one’s liking, and really, Dad, it
   was at the Seneca Hawk.